Friday, November 4, 2011

I guess the Electoral College wasn't such a bad idea

I don’t ever introduce myself as a political person. I follow bits and piece and get big opinions on limited information.  I hardly pay attention during the primaries but will read up and become educated once the field is narrowed down.
I just walked in on a conversation where two women were talking about Herman Cain. I don’t pay much attention the one woman made a comment about Rick Perry.  My head pops up and I ask “Rick Perry, isn’t he the guy who sang Simply Irresistible?”   One person then mocks me and says that no that was in fact Robert Plant.  Close enough?

Friday, September 16, 2011

My new plan

So when I want something done around the house or if i want my husband to clean up his mess he often says no that if it doesn’t bother him why should he do it. If the kitchen is a mess he will get to it when he wants or when it bothers him, not just go ahead and clean so that it is done.  I have decided (and I am NOT JOKING) that next time this bothers me I am going to take a crap in the garage.  Oh I will clean it up when it bothers me though. 

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Smooth Talker

I have a friend, we will call her Dark and Twisty (D&W) and this is what happened to her today as she strolled through out towns downtown corridor. 

I was walking outside and went by a gaggle of hobos and I was wiping my phone on my shirt and one of them said “Sure wish I was that phone!”

Now I don't know how she contained herself from not dry humping one of those hunks of love but she must have some serious self control.  Really Asshole.... you are a bum and the most you can do is wish you were a phone to get rubbed on a hot girls shirt.  Try wishing for a job. 

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

What Instant Messaging is really used for at work

Names have been edited to protect our jobs

7:42 AM - Slummy Mummy:
i have stuffy running nose.  And my nose is al dry.  I need a zertec.  I am just going to sit here and sniff all day.
7:43 AM - The coworker:
my nose and my gimpy eye are causing me problems.  Apparently the cocaine we sniffed was low quality ???
7:45 AM - Slummy Mummy:
i think so.  at lunch lets find that dealer and put a cap in his ass. 

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Thank goodness for caller ID - I guess

So yesterday Princess Worthless was home alone most the day.  When I got home this is the conversation:

PW- mom my school called today
M- really
PW- yeah I looked when the phone rang and it said XXXX School District
M – what did they want
PW -  I don’t know I didn’t answer
M – why not
PW- cuz it was my school

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Found this on Craigslist

I may have just found the laziest person alive.  This is the actual post from Craigslist ~

5/13-5/27: Do you have extra change
Do you have extra change that you don't want? Well I'm looking for extra change and allot of it, if you do have any change that you don't want then let me know.
You can txt me, (5@$)-xxx-zzzz my name is tim
God bless!!!!!!!

This person is too lazy to even get up, go out to the street corner to panhandle.  He is sitting home waiting for the free change to just start flowing in.  Maybe he should form some sort of pyramid scheme where people sign up to be craigslist panhandler under him.  This is a beggar who now "works from home"
the possibilities are endless.  But what about all the really hardworking panhandler's who actually go to the street corner and brave the elements with their dogs and signs begging for change for food for the poor little dog they have drug out with them for a day of hard begging.  Next they will have to form a panhadler's union to protect their rights and make sure they don't get injured or work too long of hours. 

This whole craigslist thing is really going to put a different spin on begging.

To bad Jerry Springer isn't on anymore

This is an email I received from my friend Palin this morning.  I swear to you this is an honest to goodness family.  She has long told me stories about her ugly cousin so I was excited to hear an update.  Last I knew the husband had been deported and was trying to jump a fence or take swimming lessons to get back.
Read and enjoy as I did.

Ok – so background on this one.  Loser (ugly cousin’s brother, yes this is what I call him to his face) is getting married on my son's b-day Sat in CA.  Obviously I found better ways to spend my hubby’s unemployment so I am not going.  My mom and sis are.    My ugly cousin is pregnant with the man she cheated on her husband with.  She is due in August and apparently is supposed to be on bed rest and quit her job at Jack in the Box a couple months ago.  Wow I am proud to call her family.  Anyway her ex and her current man have restraining orders against each other after getting into a huge fight a couple months back.  Loser is having his sister’s kids in the wedding so they are in CA now getting ready.  What Ugly doesn’t know is that Loser has asked her ex to be his best man.  No one has told Ugly because they knew she would get upset, not go to the wedding and not allow her kids to go either.   So her ex will be showing up Friday unbeknownst to her.  This same day her current man will be showing up to escort her to the shin dig in my Aunt’s backyard.  Apparently Loser and the ex have looked into the fact that the restraining order is not valid out of WA so that will not be an issue.  The biggest issue is Ugly catching a glance of her ex before the wedding and causing UFC-2011.  This is going to be a serious cluster and has no chance of working out.  ALL because Loser and his mother are big wussies and don’t want to upset her before the wedding.  SERIOUSLY???  I am actually a little disappointed that I am not going to be getting a ring side seat to this disaster.  My biggest issue with this whole thing is Loser’s bride doesn’t deserve this at her wedding and then of course the possibility of Ugly going into labor in the middle of Nowhere, CA.

Friday, May 13, 2011

I was raised in a small town

I was born in Detroit and due to a series of events, which included my parents watching a lot of Grizzly Adams (no joke) we moved to the little town in the Pacific Northwest where I grew up.  Small town life is simple I will give you that but I feel I grew up lacking a few social things, plus missing a lot of culture.
With that said...
One day my good friend, and at the time work mate, (we shall call her Palin due to her AK roots and the fact she hates that woman) and I were walking though the skywalks in our city's downtown core to get a nice morning latte as was our typical morning schedule.  It was a VERY cold day with below freezing temperatures.
As I walked through the skywalk between two buildings I looked down to the street below and there I saw a UPS man unload his truck.  Everyone knows the signature brown uniform that the UPS man wear right?  Well as I looked at him on that very cold morning I say aloud "Palin look at that UPS man!  Look at his his uniform, it is so cold he is even wearing a brown full face stalking cap!"  Palin just paused and said to me "He is black, that is not a ski cap."
To this day I am very ashmend. 

Odd things

Just saw the best class that you can take online through our local community college.  It is called Goodbye to Shy.  Yep offered online, this should have a great success rate.

Another thing.. How does this happen?  Last night I am sitting in the middle of the couch between Princess Worthless and my husband.  My husband is to my left and I am turned toward him with my legs over his lap.  PW is to my right eating a rice bowl.  All of a sudden I feel rice go down the back of my pants.  She spilled and was close enough that it tumbled down.  I need some mom jeans I guess.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I hate smokers

I ran in a race this weekend.  Since I have the same body type as Gary Coleman it is safe to say I was no where near a winner of anything.  It was a large run and I just do it cuz I actually find it fun.  There are many people, hundreds to thousands in fact, that were lining the streets watching the race.  Can anyone tell me why you would come out and watch people exercise and then sit there and smoke a cigarette??  Not only do you look like a total douche bag ,you also are blowing your smoke directly into my very enlarged lungs that are huffing and puffing.  I managed to not yell at anyone (well not about the smoking I did make a rude comment to a fellow runner for throwing their energy gel package into a bush).  I just can't believe how stupid and inconsiderate people can be.
Another smoking story....
Four years ago we took are girls to Disneyland.  We were in the large area out front of Cinderella's castle getting a snack.  A man walks past smoking and then proceeds to throw his cigarette butt onto the ground. Seriously you are tossing your trash on the ground at the happiest place on earth?  My husband (a reformed smoker) goes over picks up the butt, takes it to the man, taps him on the shoulder, hands him the butt and says i think you dropped something.  Go husband!

Am I an accessory to a killing?

For anyone who knows me they are well aware of my insane hatred of barking dogs.  It is like nails on a blackboard to me.  My first home snuggled up next to a pet hoarder.  This woman was a total animal freak and lived in their filth.  One of the main reasons I sold the house when I did was to get away from all the dogs in the neighborhood.  I truly believe there is a direct correlation between poverty and pets.  The more pets you have the less money you make. 
A few highlights of my hatred of barking dogs -
~Being 7 months pregnant and after only getting two hrs of sleep (I had to get up and go to work that day and then had finals at college that night) going to the neighbors door at 6 in the morning and beating on the door yelling to shut the dog up.
~Going to court against the neighbor with the constantly barking dogs.  I looked like a total A hole. She literally showed up in a wheel chair and said it was to hard to let the dogs in when they were barking cuz of her limited mobility.  She also told the judge that if she let the dogs in they kept her up at night, I almost slapped the cripple right then and there.
~Putting a mt. climbing head lamp at 2 am and going to the neighbor's house to let the dog out of the fence.  I figured if I could break the dog out it would find something to do besides bark all night.
This all leads to my incident that I recently experienced.  I was dropping my daughter off at school.  I went through the horse shoe shaped drop off area and turned right onto the main road outside the school. This is a residential street.  As I drove down the street I noticed a small white dog in the yard of a home.  I was going slow and slowed down even more when I saw the dog.  I had my friend's 2 year old (we will call her Curly Q) in the back seat.  I tap lightly on my window and say to Curly Q look at the cute dogie.  As I continue to drive the dog barks at me (cuz small dogs do this for no reason and all the time) and comes to the side walk toward the car.  I keep driving and as I pass the house a large dodge truck passes me.  I immediately hear tires braking look in my rear view mirror and see the small dog fly out from under the truck.  Soooo was I to blame?  The dog may have been coming out to chase me.  Is karma from my dog hatred catching up to me?  How does this stuff happen.  In case your wondering I did not stop.  I didn't want to see people freak out over their run over dog.  The large truck did stop.  There were two cars parked on the street and he couldn't have seen the dog coming out. I felt bad for him. 
I am thinking about hiring him to come to my neighborhood and drive around behind me, there are a few local dogs that bark all the time around here.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

I may splurge next time

We have three girls in our home.  Not only is there a lot of tears and hair all over the place we also go through a ton of toilet paper.  Because of this I generally buy cases at Costco.  Recently we were running low so I just picked up a big family pack at the grocery store.  Trying to be thrifty (which lately translates into this will bite me in the ass) I started checking prices.  I ended up with, I believe, Charmin but the cheapest version (yes there are all sorts of comfort levels so you pay more to get better toilet paper now I know this). 
This stuff is CRAP.  Every time I wipe I think I am sharping my vagina for battle.  What the heck, this isn't right.  I am going to need reconstructive surgery by the time this family pack is gone.
Back to Costco for me.  Not the best paper but softer than the 20 girt I am using.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Slummy-Mummy-Care~Like Obama-Care only trashier

Since retiring from working life we no longer have dental care.  This just entails my family not going to the dentist.  Trying to prevent my daughters from looking like meth heads I decided that they needed to be seen by our dentist since it has been over a year.  If none of you know, a dentist appointment,with xrays, is $200.00.
I decided in order to save a bit of money that my younger daughter didn't need xrays (she has good teeth so I am hoping she doesn't soon look like she is from Pend Orielle county with my cheapness).  As I explained to the hygienist there would be no X-rays for Princess Worthless today she gave me a bit of a look, I said we no longer have dental coverage so I was cutting back, then I spat out "and if you have any used equipment and supplies use those if it will save me more money".
I am sure that will be going in my permanent file.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


I go to church and I have a good faith in God (or as my Atheist friend lovingly calls him Sky Daddy).  I do not like bumper stickers. And I really don't like faith based ones.  Generally the person with the Jesus fish on the back of their mini van is all over the road, running lights and flipping the bird to anyone one who gets in the way of her mommy wagon as she hauls ass to bible study and her MOPS group.
When people say to me What Would Jesus Do (WWJD) I always stop to think.  Jesus was the son of God in flesh sent to earth. The bible teaches he was all man, with real emotions, thoughts and feelings.  So when people say WWJD I often think that if Jesus really did  have all the emotions of a man he would have struck a lot of people dead or turned all a-holes into leapors. 
I was walking through the parking lot of church on a Wednesday night  for the weekly children's programs. I was passing by the mini van of a woman I really don't care for (she is friends with a friend and we all went and had a drink one night.  She proceed to mock recycling then defended herself when I called her on it by saying she does teach her kids not to litter so it is the same thing.  She also made a comment against Gay relationships and Homosexuals, I again had some strong words for her. I left early and don't talk to her anymore).  As I past by the back of her car I noticed her license plate cover said WWJD.  I snorted and kept walking.  Then I thought about it.  What would Jesus Do?  I walked back to her mini van and on her dirty back window in big letters wrote I LOVE OBAMA, then went into church.

Sh*t My Kid Says

Princess Worthless has always been our child who you just never know what is going to come out of  her mouth.  On many occasions I have been speechless when a teacher, friend or fellow church member has informed me of what she said.  She began to speak full sentences at just over a year old, so talking must be her gift.  A few days ago she once again shocked me so it brought back a few stories that I will share below.

~Last week PW (Princess Worthless) and I were upstairs in the house when the phone rang.  I went to get it and upon looking at the caller ID I could see it must be a telephone solicitor.  As it was almost 9:00 PM I told PW I wasn't answering it.  PW immediately runs toward the phone.  I more loudly tell her that she isn't funny and I WILL NOT talk on the phone, so don't bother answering.  She answers the phone and looks right at me.  I give her my mean faces and she begins to talk.
She can't come to the phone cuz she is drunk again.
Okay bye
I started to laugh very hard (this is just fuel for her, I need to stop doing that) and ask what they said. She said that the woman got really quiet and then said she was from a movie place and would call back.   This is when I realized that the call must be from a place called Feature Films of America.  They call me all the time and want me to purchase "family friendly" movies.  I hope don't use this to start calling more often thinking my family now REALLY needs some good shows.
~When PW was in daycare/preschool about the age of two and a half and  three she was a huge hit with the afternoon college age workers.  PW had super blonde hair, blue eyes and her big round head (as the Dr pointed out in a previous post) she always wore a dress and pretty things in her long hair.  One evening I went in to pick her up and two of the college age girls were playing with her.  They immediately smiled at me and asked if I wanted to know what she had said that day to them.  I was beginning to get used to this by now but.... PW had proudly stated to these two young girls that she "no longer sits on her daddy's penis".  I saw an image of the foster home PW would be moving to flash before my eyes.
I immediately tried to explain the "situation".  The night before PW has done a flying flop onto her fathers lap than attempted to climb onto him while he sat on the couch.  He explained to her that she had hit daddy in his penis (we have always taught both girls proper names for body parts) and so she could not sit on his lap she had to sit beside him. 
The next day I cornered the daycare director and asked if I had been turned into CPS yet and again explained the situation.  She informed me that PW was a special case around the daycare and they weren't generally concerned about the things she said.
~PW was in Sunday School when she was three maybe four. The story that day was how Jesus turned the water into wine.  The Sunday School teacher had a package of color changing Kool Aid and poured the contents into the pitcher, they than gave each of the kids a little cup of the Kool Aid.  PW drank her Kool Aid and very loudly announced "hey this isn't real wine!"  The teacher explained that no it wasn't real wine that it was Kool Aid and that kids don't get real wine.  PW proceeds to tell the teacher that her mom gives her wine AND beer ALL the time and that her mom puts it in her tippy cup.  Again how my kid didn't get removed by the state is beyond me.  For the record I have NEVER EVER put any wine or beer in either of my kids cups before.  I don't know why she said this but I was so embarrassed.  The next week at church when I went back to pick her up I asked the teacher if this week she told everyone I cheat on my taxes.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

How did Jeffery Dahmer get his start?

Happy St. Patty's Day.  Being the good slummy mum that I am I made corned beef for dinner for the family. 
My husband loves red potatoes but what he loves most is pepper.  When he has clam chowder the top is seriously black from the amount he puts on.  So tonight on his festive dinner he applied a healthy portion of largely ground pepper.  About half way through dinner a piece got to him and he began to cough very hard.  About three coughs into it my 9 year old, who we lovingly call Princess Worthless,  drops her fork, starts fist pumping both arms in the air yelling DIE DIE DIE. 
Something is really wrong with this child.  At the age of two she used to stand up in the bathtub slap her rump and yell "wash my money maker" at me.  Have you seen Step Brothers?  Just saying I may have one on my hands.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

What is wrong with people

Why do some people just have no sense of humor?  I recently was sick for over two weeks.  I mean I was on the couch for the first week completely laid up and the second week I was just barely able to function.
After 10 days of sickness I could no longer hear, had a 12 hour coughing fit and had used a full box of Puffs Plus in less than a day, so I figured it was time to go to the doctor.
The receptionist answered the phone and asked what I need to be seen for, I cough out the words I need to be euthanized.  Dead silence.....WTF  I know I didn't call Dr. Kevorkian's office.  So I follow it up with I think I am dying I have been sick for over a week.  She never acknowledges any of my wit and just tell me to come in at 2.

Food for thought

It was brought to my attention today that I have an odd habit.  I don't think it is a bad habit or even one that will annoy anyone (I hate smokers, people who read signs out loud to others and people who point out the obvious) it really isn't even seen by other people only my family.
I watch The Biggest Loser more religiously than I attend church (I know that is bad).  Every Tuesday night my rump is adhered to the couch for the full two hours.  Now you are thinking this isn't odd a lot of people have favorite shows.  Well the habit is that while I watch this show I eat an absolute enormous bowl of ice cream with brownies in it.  So yes while these heavy people are having melt downs and falling off tread mills, eating nothing but lettuce and fish, I am consuming a desert the size of something you would find at Old Country Buffet (another thing I hate is Buffets).  This habit has brought stress to my life. The other night at 7:00 pm I went to make my brownies and had no eggs, thank goodness for good neighbors!  She saved me by running me over two eggs so I could get my fix. 
Last Tuesday I went to our local grocery store in the evening and bought 3 half gallons of ice cream and a couple boxes of brownie mix.  The woman checker asked if it was for something special I said heck yeah it is Biggest Loser Night!  Every day can be something special, you just have to make it that way.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Is think before you speak only for the young?

Why are old people allowed to just say what ever is on their minds?  What gives them this right?  Do they really just get old and their brain filter shuts off or is it a sham that they are pulling on all of us?  Do they get a flier with their first social security check that tells them they can now just open their mouths and say what ever and no one will stop them cuz they are old.  I personally can't wait to be that age.  I am going to rock the retirement home.  I will be the old lady with lots of lipstick and no filter, bring it on.  My husband does very extreme sports and has no fear, plus he has a family history of heart disease so I am pretty much guaranteed to be living alone in my golden age.
My good friend Jersey Girl has a beautiful curly headed, blonde daughter who is absolutely perfect.   She is in her late 30's and plans to have no more children, one perfect one is enough why take your chances.  She has a very dear woman in her life name Julie.  Julie is almost 90 and still lives alone. Julie never had kids and has pretty much adopted Jersey Girl and her family as her own.  Julie believes that Jersey Girl must have another child.  Now I am sure we have all heard the horrors of only children and how awful they will be, but this isn't Julie's point of why another child is needed.  Simply put Julie told Jersey Girl she needs to have another baby in case the first one dies.  Got to have a spare I guess. 

When my first husband died suddenly in 1997 I was 22 years old.  At the funeral I was a mess. After the service ended people started coming up to me and his family hugging us and giving condolences.  Toward the end of the line came a very old, old woman all hunched over and dressed in her very dark blue dress.  I have no clue who she was to this day.  She comes up to me and gives me a huge hug, she was so kind.  Then she pulls back pats me on the back and tells me it is okay honey you are young and pretty you will find another husband.  Wow thank goodness I was pretty, replacing him was going to be a snap.
I know people mean well but for some reason old people seem to get away with a lot more than your average big mouth person.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Is it really the thought that counts?

While having a couple drinks with friends the other night I was reminded of a moment from my past that still bothers me. 
A few years back, when my mother in law was still on speaking terms with our family, I got the mail one day at the beginning of May and in it was a Mother's Day card to me from her.  Not to surprising right??? Well this particular year not only was no gift included with this card (as had been in the past) this card was made out to me in my maiden name.
My husband (ever the optimist) told me I should be happy she thought of me.  I am still bent on this one.  Am I justified? Was it an innocent mistake?  Maybe I am just too up tight.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Why I started drinking after dinner

Today was a big day in our house.  Our oldest daughter got her driving permit.  She hasn't set it down since leaving the DMV.
After dinner was done tonight all four of us were sitting around talking.  My older daughter announced she had learned hand signals today in her drivers ed book.  Immediately my younger daughter (9) yells out ME TOO and flips off her sister.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Is there a doctor in the house?

As I was driving by a local hospital on the north side of town yesterday I saw a very interesting site.  On the curb there was a thin man sitting on the curb smoking a cigarette.  Now that may not seem odd at all but the fact that he was wear FULL scrubs including booties, hat and face mask (which was pulled down onto his chin) made for a very interesting site.  This reminded me of a story from 2006. Before I get to the story may I just ask what this guy was in scrubs for??  I should hope he wasn't just grabbing a quick smoke then heading back into surgery.  Maybe he was protecting himself from all the white trash that generally surrounds that area.  I don't know but for years to come this picture will be in my mind. Also, is anyone else wondering how flammable scrubs are?  I would have seriously crapped my pants if a stray ash lit up his face mask and he went up like a torch.  I wouldn't have helped either, I would have just rolled down my window and yelled "smoking kills asshole" and kept going.
In the year 2006 my dear friend was celebrating her one year wedding anniversary with a trip to Mexico. To protect the identify of all I will only be referring to her as Jersey Girl and to her fine husband as Big Head.  Being the good friend that I am I quickly invited my husband and I alone for the festivities.  Many great memories were made on our 7 day stay.  I am sure I will post more of them as time goes on.  Today I want to just relay to you the story of the bladder infection.
After a night filled with tequila shots, buckets of beers and the discovery that Jersey Girl and I, if forced to live the lives of lap dancing bar girls, would quickly form a union for lap dancers (since it is hard work and the songs are at times way to long to make for a good lap dance) we headed out into the night with our drunken husbands.  After walking a couple hundred yards I decided it was now time to pee since I tried my hardest to avoid the Mexican public bathrooms. While squatting by a palm tree (doesn't this just sound tropical!) peeing I got a sharp pain.  After discussing this pain with Jersey Girl it was decided I was developing a urinary track infection and needed some juice, thank goodness for mixers cuz our fridge was loaded at the condo.  After a run in with a scary mob of locals, an embarrassing cab ride home in which my husband mortified me with our fellow cab riders (another story) we made it back to our place.  By the time I got in I was SICK.  I was shaking, had a fever and was peeing blood.  Jersey Girl and Big Head had gone to bed and that left my wonderful husband to care for me.  He decided quickly (between sucking down Corona) that I needed the hotel doctor to come see me so I could get some medicine.  Lovely husband went to Jersey Girls room to borrow the English to Spanish dictionary.  While waiting for the doctor to arrive I laid in bed crying while my sweet husband looked up symptom words in the faithful dictionary so he could tell the doctor what was going on.  After about 30 minutes there was a knock at our door.  My soul mate goes to the door to let the doctor in.  I hear the doctor ask what was wrong and all my husband can tell the doctor is "my wife's vagina is broken'  Holy crap do you think that doctor wanted to turn tail and run? Was he thinking stupid Americana's and their promiscuous ways.  I quickly righted myself in the bed and calle out that "no it hurts to go to the bathroom!".  My dear husband leads the doctor in to me and no joke he is wearing a full face mask (no gloves just a face mask) and carrying a tackle box.  WTF, did they call him straight in from the tuna boat?  I have never been to the doctor in the states many times and never had some guy wander in with a golf club in hand.  The doctor spoke fairly good English so I was able to tell him what was going on.  At this point he opens his tackle box and low and behold it is his medical kit.  He proceeded to bang on my kidneys and take my temp.  He then tells me I should go to the hospital to get fluids.  OH HELL NO. Two place I wont go, Mexican jail, Mexican hospital.  So in the end the ungloved, masked wearing "doctor" gives my husband a list of drugs to pick up at the pharmacy and he takes his tackle boxes and leaves.  Well that little visit cost us $120 cash on the spot and we learned later that you don't need a prescription for drugs in Mexico, I could have just walked in the pharmacy and bought what I needed.  Live and learn.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Is that your official diagnosis?

My good friend took her little two year old to urgent care last night for a fever that had gone on for a few days.  I always feel bad when I see a child sick and since I had watched this little girl several days ago I now feel guilty that I probably somehow made her sick, yet another time my inner catholic flares up.
This trip to urgent care reminded me of a time I took my youngest daughter to urgent care a few years back.  My daughter has had chronic ear infections since five months old.  On this occasion she had been running a fever for days and as a precaution I took her in on a Sunday afternoon (a precaution because heaven forbid a mom takes a Monday off with a sick kids without some bastard man at work whose wife stays home with their kids being mad you missed work and then giving you the stink eye).   Generally when she was running a fever an ear infection would come on fast and on numerous occasions had led to her eardrum rupturing.
When the doctor called us back he was an older man and super nice.  He did the general stuff with her, looking in her ears, her throat, listening to her chest.  I told him of her past with the ear infections and her having had tubes at one point.  He told me she didn’t have an ear infection just a bug, which was a big relief to me but I was pissed cuz instead of being in the dirty urgent care I could have been napping on a nice Sunday afternoon.   We talked about her ears having ruptured before and then he gives me a look and asks if she was of Norwegian descent.   Him being an older doctor having been around the block a time or two, I think he has some deep medical secret of some genetic link to her ears.  I tell him no I don’t believe she is of Norwegian descent but I am not sure since both my husband and I are just a mix of everything.  I ask do Norwegians have ear problems.  He looks at me and says no she just has a really big round head so I thought she might be Norwegian. 
I paid my co pay and left.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

How cold is your neck?

Just returned from a meeting at the school.  I am the class art mom for my younger daughter.  I know what you are all thinking and no I will not be teaching them to make bongs or ashtrays.  A lesson plan is prepared each month and I just follow it.  I don't know how I got roped into this one but here I am art mom for the year.
So as I am sitting at this meeting with all the other moms I notice that one mom is wearing an all grey turtle neck sweater.  The neck of the sweater (would this be called the turtle?) is not rolled down at all it is straight up. As this is a long neck piece it goes up over and covers most her chin.  In the back and sides it is up to her ears.  She totally looked like a baby head coming out a vagina.  Every time she talked her chin would dart in and out of the big neck piece like how you push and the baby head comes out a little, then goes back in.
Totally distracting I really don't know what this month’s art project is now, maybe I will have them make the ashtrays.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Star of the week

My youngest daughter is star of the week at school this week. She has been waiting on this since the first day of school and it is finally her turn.  Star of the week involves the child bringing something to school which represents them each day of the week. This is also known as mommy torture.    This is one of the things that would normally cause me huge anxiety.   Some moms turn their big poster of the child into a full blown scrapbooking event which in turn makes all the other moms appear to not live up to their high standards.    F those moms by the way.   Back when I worked full time and was always trying to make my kids feel so special when I couldn’t be there for all their stuff I would sometimes go a little over board.  I had to have the creative poster, the best snack blah blah blah.  Now that I am the Slummy Mummy I just don’t give a flip.  I let her decorate her poster about her all by herself; I didn’t even complain and nag for her to use her best writing.  I let her cut out pictures to put on it and even draw the one of herself (unheard of by some moms I am sure, some would insisted that a professional glossy photo be used, after all they are only star of the week but once in a school year).  We are on the Tuesday portion of the star of the week event which is when the star gets to provide a snack to the entire class (yeah what BS is this, if I was the star I would want snacks provided to me thank you very much).  I find out last night that it isn’t only a snack I will be bestowing upon these children it should be my child’s favorite snack and I am to include the recipe which will then be included in the classroom cook book.   Let me tell all you who don’t have children… this means competition!!  Who will have the best recipe, the most original or the healthiest?  Oh geez did my mind start to go crazy.  Then it came back to me, I am no longer that mom.
My daughter and went to the kitchen to cook her snack.  We choice brownies (both of us love them) below I have provided you the recipe for you to share and enjoy.
1 – Go to Yokes and buy a box of brownie mix.
2 – Prepare brownies as directed on back of box.  Be sure the child does as much of the work as they can.
3 – Put brownies in oven.
4 – While brownies cook spend time with your child reading or just being together.
5 – Remove from oven and enjoy.

Suck it all you overachiever moms.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Like a good neighbor..

It is 4:30 am and I am on my way to the airport for a drop off and then the gym.  Just started the car to warm it up.  I accidently laid on the key fob leaning over from the passanger seat to start it and set off the alarm.  I bet the neighbors are pissed.  Happy Tuesday cul-de-sac.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Random observations from today

~ The food court line at the north Division Costco is not the Jersey Shore.  Please remove your big a$$ sunglasses before you place your order.  I do realize it has been awhile since we have seen the sun in Spokane but get over yourself and your new purchase from Sunglass Hut.
~ The mullet is alive and well at North Central High School.  I feel bad for the poor girl whose father this is.  I bet I had a crush on him in 1984 when he had the same haircut and carried his boom box around the school at lunch break.
~ No matter how slowly you say you want 14 tacos at Jack-In-the Box and the girl repeats it back to you; you still need to check the board to see that she got your order right.  I realize that this was pushing our luck but seriously I didn't ask them to hold or add anything to them.

Maybe I should stick with watching Modern Family

So tonight I was watching Super Nanny.  How messed up is a person that watching this show makes them cry? It isn’t like it is Extreme Home Makeover where some child has an incurable illness or anything; this is rotten kids and lazy parents. And oh yes there is me in the corner wiping tears from my eyes.   I see some dad tell his daughter how much he loves her and gives her a hug, minutes before this girl is bashing her sister in the head.  Now the head bashing is simply like home to me, the father hugging Leave it to Beaver moment isn’t in my memories, so I get all teary.  This should probably be a topic that I should bring up at counseling (if and when I go back) but with all my current messed up stuff I have when will I ever get to that????  After my first husband died I went to a counselor for the first time. During the first appointment my family gets brought up and my mother’s death and my distant father comes into the conversation. By the end of the appointment I made the counselor cry and being the true hidden closet Catholic that I am I felt guilty so I only went back one more time out of courtesy than never saw the woman again.  Maybe she thinks she healed me after two visits, that is my hope cuz I certainly don’t want HER to feel bad.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Okay I am finally doing it

My life is basically one never ending Seinfeld episode.  For years people have been telling me to blog some of the random things that happen to me and my very unique perspective on things.  I am not always politically correct; I just put it out there.  I feel people take themselves way to seriously.  I think once people put their fake walls down and just be real it makes life so much easier.
 I have found in the past few years a great group of friends who are different and every way from me and each other. We mock one another in love and in correction and I love every one of them for their support. This past year I quit my job and went through some huge changes in my life.  I am still soul searching and figuring things out.  I don’t care anymore if people know I have been to counseling (and failed) I just call myself a slummy mummy and make the best of every day.  Some days are easier than others.
Now this blog will not be a day to day journal, it will be flashbacks and random thoughts along with the things that happen that make me stop and think.  Also you need to know that I am a terrible speller and may need to take an ESL class just to make a complete sentence.   I encourage everyone to comment on my posts.  The more insight into life the better.