Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Sh*t My Kid Says

Princess Worthless has always been our child who you just never know what is going to come out of  her mouth.  On many occasions I have been speechless when a teacher, friend or fellow church member has informed me of what she said.  She began to speak full sentences at just over a year old, so talking must be her gift.  A few days ago she once again shocked me so it brought back a few stories that I will share below.

~Last week PW (Princess Worthless) and I were upstairs in the house when the phone rang.  I went to get it and upon looking at the caller ID I could see it must be a telephone solicitor.  As it was almost 9:00 PM I told PW I wasn't answering it.  PW immediately runs toward the phone.  I more loudly tell her that she isn't funny and I WILL NOT talk on the phone, so don't bother answering.  She answers the phone and looks right at me.  I give her my mean faces and she begins to talk.
She can't come to the phone cuz she is drunk again.
Okay bye
I started to laugh very hard (this is just fuel for her, I need to stop doing that) and ask what they said. She said that the woman got really quiet and then said she was from a movie place and would call back.   This is when I realized that the call must be from a place called Feature Films of America.  They call me all the time and want me to purchase "family friendly" movies.  I hope don't use this to start calling more often thinking my family now REALLY needs some good shows.
~When PW was in daycare/preschool about the age of two and a half and  three she was a huge hit with the afternoon college age workers.  PW had super blonde hair, blue eyes and her big round head (as the Dr pointed out in a previous post) she always wore a dress and pretty things in her long hair.  One evening I went in to pick her up and two of the college age girls were playing with her.  They immediately smiled at me and asked if I wanted to know what she had said that day to them.  I was beginning to get used to this by now but.... PW had proudly stated to these two young girls that she "no longer sits on her daddy's penis".  I saw an image of the foster home PW would be moving to flash before my eyes.
I immediately tried to explain the "situation".  The night before PW has done a flying flop onto her fathers lap than attempted to climb onto him while he sat on the couch.  He explained to her that she had hit daddy in his penis (we have always taught both girls proper names for body parts) and so she could not sit on his lap she had to sit beside him. 
The next day I cornered the daycare director and asked if I had been turned into CPS yet and again explained the situation.  She informed me that PW was a special case around the daycare and they weren't generally concerned about the things she said.
~PW was in Sunday School when she was three maybe four. The story that day was how Jesus turned the water into wine.  The Sunday School teacher had a package of color changing Kool Aid and poured the contents into the pitcher, they than gave each of the kids a little cup of the Kool Aid.  PW drank her Kool Aid and very loudly announced "hey this isn't real wine!"  The teacher explained that no it wasn't real wine that it was Kool Aid and that kids don't get real wine.  PW proceeds to tell the teacher that her mom gives her wine AND beer ALL the time and that her mom puts it in her tippy cup.  Again how my kid didn't get removed by the state is beyond me.  For the record I have NEVER EVER put any wine or beer in either of my kids cups before.  I don't know why she said this but I was so embarrassed.  The next week at church when I went back to pick her up I asked the teacher if this week she told everyone I cheat on my taxes.


  1. PW kills me. Hearing these stories make me smile all over again. LOVE IT. Keep them coming.

  2. I'm dying!! Seriously, spit my water out of my mouth laughing (while at work). Gotta love kids.