Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Found this on Craigslist

I may have just found the laziest person alive.  This is the actual post from Craigslist ~

5/13-5/27: Do you have extra change
Do you have extra change that you don't want? Well I'm looking for extra change and allot of it, if you do have any change that you don't want then let me know.
You can txt me, (5@$)-xxx-zzzz my name is tim
God bless!!!!!!!

This person is too lazy to even get up, go out to the street corner to panhandle.  He is sitting home waiting for the free change to just start flowing in.  Maybe he should form some sort of pyramid scheme where people sign up to be craigslist panhandler under him.  This is a beggar who now "works from home"
the possibilities are endless.  But what about all the really hardworking panhandler's who actually go to the street corner and brave the elements with their dogs and signs begging for change for food for the poor little dog they have drug out with them for a day of hard begging.  Next they will have to form a panhadler's union to protect their rights and make sure they don't get injured or work too long of hours. 

This whole craigslist thing is really going to put a different spin on begging.

To bad Jerry Springer isn't on anymore

This is an email I received from my friend Palin this morning.  I swear to you this is an honest to goodness family.  She has long told me stories about her ugly cousin so I was excited to hear an update.  Last I knew the husband had been deported and was trying to jump a fence or take swimming lessons to get back.
Read and enjoy as I did.

Ok – so background on this one.  Loser (ugly cousin’s brother, yes this is what I call him to his face) is getting married on my son's b-day Sat in CA.  Obviously I found better ways to spend my hubby’s unemployment so I am not going.  My mom and sis are.    My ugly cousin is pregnant with the man she cheated on her husband with.  She is due in August and apparently is supposed to be on bed rest and quit her job at Jack in the Box a couple months ago.  Wow I am proud to call her family.  Anyway her ex and her current man have restraining orders against each other after getting into a huge fight a couple months back.  Loser is having his sister’s kids in the wedding so they are in CA now getting ready.  What Ugly doesn’t know is that Loser has asked her ex to be his best man.  No one has told Ugly because they knew she would get upset, not go to the wedding and not allow her kids to go either.   So her ex will be showing up Friday unbeknownst to her.  This same day her current man will be showing up to escort her to the shin dig in my Aunt’s backyard.  Apparently Loser and the ex have looked into the fact that the restraining order is not valid out of WA so that will not be an issue.  The biggest issue is Ugly catching a glance of her ex before the wedding and causing UFC-2011.  This is going to be a serious cluster and has no chance of working out.  ALL because Loser and his mother are big wussies and don’t want to upset her before the wedding.  SERIOUSLY???  I am actually a little disappointed that I am not going to be getting a ring side seat to this disaster.  My biggest issue with this whole thing is Loser’s bride doesn’t deserve this at her wedding and then of course the possibility of Ugly going into labor in the middle of Nowhere, CA.

Friday, May 13, 2011

I was raised in a small town

I was born in Detroit and due to a series of events, which included my parents watching a lot of Grizzly Adams (no joke) we moved to the little town in the Pacific Northwest where I grew up.  Small town life is simple I will give you that but I feel I grew up lacking a few social things, plus missing a lot of culture.
With that said...
One day my good friend, and at the time work mate, (we shall call her Palin due to her AK roots and the fact she hates that woman) and I were walking though the skywalks in our city's downtown core to get a nice morning latte as was our typical morning schedule.  It was a VERY cold day with below freezing temperatures.
As I walked through the skywalk between two buildings I looked down to the street below and there I saw a UPS man unload his truck.  Everyone knows the signature brown uniform that the UPS man wear right?  Well as I looked at him on that very cold morning I say aloud "Palin look at that UPS man!  Look at his his uniform, it is so cold he is even wearing a brown full face stalking cap!"  Palin just paused and said to me "He is black, that is not a ski cap."
To this day I am very ashmend. 

Odd things

Just saw the best class that you can take online through our local community college.  It is called Goodbye to Shy.  Yep offered online, this should have a great success rate.

Another thing.. How does this happen?  Last night I am sitting in the middle of the couch between Princess Worthless and my husband.  My husband is to my left and I am turned toward him with my legs over his lap.  PW is to my right eating a rice bowl.  All of a sudden I feel rice go down the back of my pants.  She spilled and was close enough that it tumbled down.  I need some mom jeans I guess.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

I hate smokers

I ran in a race this weekend.  Since I have the same body type as Gary Coleman it is safe to say I was no where near a winner of anything.  It was a large run and I just do it cuz I actually find it fun.  There are many people, hundreds to thousands in fact, that were lining the streets watching the race.  Can anyone tell me why you would come out and watch people exercise and then sit there and smoke a cigarette??  Not only do you look like a total douche bag ,you also are blowing your smoke directly into my very enlarged lungs that are huffing and puffing.  I managed to not yell at anyone (well not about the smoking I did make a rude comment to a fellow runner for throwing their energy gel package into a bush).  I just can't believe how stupid and inconsiderate people can be.
Another smoking story....
Four years ago we took are girls to Disneyland.  We were in the large area out front of Cinderella's castle getting a snack.  A man walks past smoking and then proceeds to throw his cigarette butt onto the ground. Seriously you are tossing your trash on the ground at the happiest place on earth?  My husband (a reformed smoker) goes over picks up the butt, takes it to the man, taps him on the shoulder, hands him the butt and says i think you dropped something.  Go husband!

Am I an accessory to a killing?

For anyone who knows me they are well aware of my insane hatred of barking dogs.  It is like nails on a blackboard to me.  My first home snuggled up next to a pet hoarder.  This woman was a total animal freak and lived in their filth.  One of the main reasons I sold the house when I did was to get away from all the dogs in the neighborhood.  I truly believe there is a direct correlation between poverty and pets.  The more pets you have the less money you make. 
A few highlights of my hatred of barking dogs -
~Being 7 months pregnant and after only getting two hrs of sleep (I had to get up and go to work that day and then had finals at college that night) going to the neighbors door at 6 in the morning and beating on the door yelling to shut the dog up.
~Going to court against the neighbor with the constantly barking dogs.  I looked like a total A hole. She literally showed up in a wheel chair and said it was to hard to let the dogs in when they were barking cuz of her limited mobility.  She also told the judge that if she let the dogs in they kept her up at night, I almost slapped the cripple right then and there.
~Putting a mt. climbing head lamp at 2 am and going to the neighbor's house to let the dog out of the fence.  I figured if I could break the dog out it would find something to do besides bark all night.
This all leads to my incident that I recently experienced.  I was dropping my daughter off at school.  I went through the horse shoe shaped drop off area and turned right onto the main road outside the school. This is a residential street.  As I drove down the street I noticed a small white dog in the yard of a home.  I was going slow and slowed down even more when I saw the dog.  I had my friend's 2 year old (we will call her Curly Q) in the back seat.  I tap lightly on my window and say to Curly Q look at the cute dogie.  As I continue to drive the dog barks at me (cuz small dogs do this for no reason and all the time) and comes to the side walk toward the car.  I keep driving and as I pass the house a large dodge truck passes me.  I immediately hear tires braking look in my rear view mirror and see the small dog fly out from under the truck.  Soooo was I to blame?  The dog may have been coming out to chase me.  Is karma from my dog hatred catching up to me?  How does this stuff happen.  In case your wondering I did not stop.  I didn't want to see people freak out over their run over dog.  The large truck did stop.  There were two cars parked on the street and he couldn't have seen the dog coming out. I felt bad for him. 
I am thinking about hiring him to come to my neighborhood and drive around behind me, there are a few local dogs that bark all the time around here.