Tuesday, March 29, 2011


I go to church and I have a good faith in God (or as my Atheist friend lovingly calls him Sky Daddy).  I do not like bumper stickers. And I really don't like faith based ones.  Generally the person with the Jesus fish on the back of their mini van is all over the road, running lights and flipping the bird to anyone one who gets in the way of her mommy wagon as she hauls ass to bible study and her MOPS group.
When people say to me What Would Jesus Do (WWJD) I always stop to think.  Jesus was the son of God in flesh sent to earth. The bible teaches he was all man, with real emotions, thoughts and feelings.  So when people say WWJD I often think that if Jesus really did  have all the emotions of a man he would have struck a lot of people dead or turned all a-holes into leapors. 
I was walking through the parking lot of church on a Wednesday night  for the weekly children's programs. I was passing by the mini van of a woman I really don't care for (she is friends with a friend and we all went and had a drink one night.  She proceed to mock recycling then defended herself when I called her on it by saying she does teach her kids not to litter so it is the same thing.  She also made a comment against Gay relationships and Homosexuals, I again had some strong words for her. I left early and don't talk to her anymore).  As I past by the back of her car I noticed her license plate cover said WWJD.  I snorted and kept walking.  Then I thought about it.  What would Jesus Do?  I walked back to her mini van and on her dirty back window in big letters wrote I LOVE OBAMA, then went into church.

Sh*t My Kid Says

Princess Worthless has always been our child who you just never know what is going to come out of  her mouth.  On many occasions I have been speechless when a teacher, friend or fellow church member has informed me of what she said.  She began to speak full sentences at just over a year old, so talking must be her gift.  A few days ago she once again shocked me so it brought back a few stories that I will share below.

~Last week PW (Princess Worthless) and I were upstairs in the house when the phone rang.  I went to get it and upon looking at the caller ID I could see it must be a telephone solicitor.  As it was almost 9:00 PM I told PW I wasn't answering it.  PW immediately runs toward the phone.  I more loudly tell her that she isn't funny and I WILL NOT talk on the phone, so don't bother answering.  She answers the phone and looks right at me.  I give her my mean faces and she begins to talk.
She can't come to the phone cuz she is drunk again.
Okay bye
I started to laugh very hard (this is just fuel for her, I need to stop doing that) and ask what they said. She said that the woman got really quiet and then said she was from a movie place and would call back.   This is when I realized that the call must be from a place called Feature Films of America.  They call me all the time and want me to purchase "family friendly" movies.  I hope don't use this to start calling more often thinking my family now REALLY needs some good shows.
~When PW was in daycare/preschool about the age of two and a half and  three she was a huge hit with the afternoon college age workers.  PW had super blonde hair, blue eyes and her big round head (as the Dr pointed out in a previous post) she always wore a dress and pretty things in her long hair.  One evening I went in to pick her up and two of the college age girls were playing with her.  They immediately smiled at me and asked if I wanted to know what she had said that day to them.  I was beginning to get used to this by now but.... PW had proudly stated to these two young girls that she "no longer sits on her daddy's penis".  I saw an image of the foster home PW would be moving to flash before my eyes.
I immediately tried to explain the "situation".  The night before PW has done a flying flop onto her fathers lap than attempted to climb onto him while he sat on the couch.  He explained to her that she had hit daddy in his penis (we have always taught both girls proper names for body parts) and so she could not sit on his lap she had to sit beside him. 
The next day I cornered the daycare director and asked if I had been turned into CPS yet and again explained the situation.  She informed me that PW was a special case around the daycare and they weren't generally concerned about the things she said.
~PW was in Sunday School when she was three maybe four. The story that day was how Jesus turned the water into wine.  The Sunday School teacher had a package of color changing Kool Aid and poured the contents into the pitcher, they than gave each of the kids a little cup of the Kool Aid.  PW drank her Kool Aid and very loudly announced "hey this isn't real wine!"  The teacher explained that no it wasn't real wine that it was Kool Aid and that kids don't get real wine.  PW proceeds to tell the teacher that her mom gives her wine AND beer ALL the time and that her mom puts it in her tippy cup.  Again how my kid didn't get removed by the state is beyond me.  For the record I have NEVER EVER put any wine or beer in either of my kids cups before.  I don't know why she said this but I was so embarrassed.  The next week at church when I went back to pick her up I asked the teacher if this week she told everyone I cheat on my taxes.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

How did Jeffery Dahmer get his start?

Happy St. Patty's Day.  Being the good slummy mum that I am I made corned beef for dinner for the family. 
My husband loves red potatoes but what he loves most is pepper.  When he has clam chowder the top is seriously black from the amount he puts on.  So tonight on his festive dinner he applied a healthy portion of largely ground pepper.  About half way through dinner a piece got to him and he began to cough very hard.  About three coughs into it my 9 year old, who we lovingly call Princess Worthless,  drops her fork, starts fist pumping both arms in the air yelling DIE DIE DIE. 
Something is really wrong with this child.  At the age of two she used to stand up in the bathtub slap her rump and yell "wash my money maker" at me.  Have you seen Step Brothers?  Just saying I may have one on my hands.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

What is wrong with people

Why do some people just have no sense of humor?  I recently was sick for over two weeks.  I mean I was on the couch for the first week completely laid up and the second week I was just barely able to function.
After 10 days of sickness I could no longer hear, had a 12 hour coughing fit and had used a full box of Puffs Plus in less than a day, so I figured it was time to go to the doctor.
The receptionist answered the phone and asked what I need to be seen for, I cough out the words I need to be euthanized.  Dead silence.....WTF  I know I didn't call Dr. Kevorkian's office.  So I follow it up with I think I am dying I have been sick for over a week.  She never acknowledges any of my wit and just tell me to come in at 2.

Food for thought

It was brought to my attention today that I have an odd habit.  I don't think it is a bad habit or even one that will annoy anyone (I hate smokers, people who read signs out loud to others and people who point out the obvious) it really isn't even seen by other people only my family.
I watch The Biggest Loser more religiously than I attend church (I know that is bad).  Every Tuesday night my rump is adhered to the couch for the full two hours.  Now you are thinking this isn't odd a lot of people have favorite shows.  Well the habit is that while I watch this show I eat an absolute enormous bowl of ice cream with brownies in it.  So yes while these heavy people are having melt downs and falling off tread mills, eating nothing but lettuce and fish, I am consuming a desert the size of something you would find at Old Country Buffet (another thing I hate is Buffets).  This habit has brought stress to my life. The other night at 7:00 pm I went to make my brownies and had no eggs, thank goodness for good neighbors!  She saved me by running me over two eggs so I could get my fix. 
Last Tuesday I went to our local grocery store in the evening and bought 3 half gallons of ice cream and a couple boxes of brownie mix.  The woman checker asked if it was for something special I said heck yeah it is Biggest Loser Night!  Every day can be something special, you just have to make it that way.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Is think before you speak only for the young?

Why are old people allowed to just say what ever is on their minds?  What gives them this right?  Do they really just get old and their brain filter shuts off or is it a sham that they are pulling on all of us?  Do they get a flier with their first social security check that tells them they can now just open their mouths and say what ever and no one will stop them cuz they are old.  I personally can't wait to be that age.  I am going to rock the retirement home.  I will be the old lady with lots of lipstick and no filter, bring it on.  My husband does very extreme sports and has no fear, plus he has a family history of heart disease so I am pretty much guaranteed to be living alone in my golden age.
My good friend Jersey Girl has a beautiful curly headed, blonde daughter who is absolutely perfect.   She is in her late 30's and plans to have no more children, one perfect one is enough why take your chances.  She has a very dear woman in her life name Julie.  Julie is almost 90 and still lives alone. Julie never had kids and has pretty much adopted Jersey Girl and her family as her own.  Julie believes that Jersey Girl must have another child.  Now I am sure we have all heard the horrors of only children and how awful they will be, but this isn't Julie's point of why another child is needed.  Simply put Julie told Jersey Girl she needs to have another baby in case the first one dies.  Got to have a spare I guess. 

When my first husband died suddenly in 1997 I was 22 years old.  At the funeral I was a mess. After the service ended people started coming up to me and his family hugging us and giving condolences.  Toward the end of the line came a very old, old woman all hunched over and dressed in her very dark blue dress.  I have no clue who she was to this day.  She comes up to me and gives me a huge hug, she was so kind.  Then she pulls back pats me on the back and tells me it is okay honey you are young and pretty you will find another husband.  Wow thank goodness I was pretty, replacing him was going to be a snap.
I know people mean well but for some reason old people seem to get away with a lot more than your average big mouth person.